Fly freely, chase wild dreams, make memories.
Lifes journey is never straight forward and often there is tragedy amongst the beauty we get to experience. In a strange twist of fate, i stumbled back onto this blog while researching other blogs because my sister has recently been diagnosed with cancer, CLL/SLL, which is basically leukemia nd non hodgkins lymphoma in the lymph glands. In the process of reading other blogs, I find myself annoyed at the number of blogs left unfinished, a life story left unwritten. but i also understand that the final pages are often dark and difficult.
So perhaps its only fitting that I come back to write about the last days of mom's life, the finishing lines to her story. Its a hard time when the person you've been fighting for so hard takes a drastic turn for the worst. I actually cant fathom reliving those last few months in detail so this is the short version. Once the cancer had spread to the brain Mom was getting severe migraines more frequently, and we were at the ER more frequently. In April I had shoulder surgery and ending up going to Mom's to recoup and help her as well as myself. In May Mom was still doing fairly well, taking care of herself, cooking meals, going out to dinner, trying to mother me :-). She would constantly say to me, "Did you take your advil on time?; if not your shoulder will be killing you." I guess we never stop being mothers, even when we are the ones that need to be taken care of. One of mom's favorite things to do was to to fish and I think we were all thinking this might be our last Mothers Day, so we wanted to make it special for her. We rented a pontoon boat on a lake for the day and decorated it and surprised her with a beautiful Mothers Day fishing trip. We laughed, smiled, Mom ate shitloads of gummy fish (her favorite candy) and it turns out it was our last Mothers Day together. Shortly after that day everything changed, it started with more frequent headaches and nausea. At one point it was so bad I took her to the ER, and she never came home again. It was a fast decline and she passed in a hospice house on Fathers Day that June. When I think back to that time its heart wrenching, so much so that I don't like to see any pictures from that timeframe. My mom really held on in the end, longer than I wish she would have, watching the process slowly unfold can make you understand the right to die law in other states. If you're reading this and have any fears that your cancer cant be beat, or someone you love is currently fighting, know this: I have only one regret. Mom really wanted to see Alaska, I wish we had went for that trip when she was first diagnosed. I also wish I had taken more fun videos, as I really miss her voice.I'm writing this 6 years later and the pain is intense and I'm incredibly jealous of all my friends who still have Mom's. But I don't let this haunt me and I try to live for the moment knowing nothing is truly given and the world is still out there for me to explore. I worry less about things and spend more time having experiences. I can take my beautiful memories of adventures with me, I don't give a shit about my house, car, or possessions. I miss my Mom terribly but I don't linger there, she would want me to embrace my wild spirit and make new memories not linger in haunted yesterdays. We have today to live, to chase the dreams that inspire us and embrace the moments that make us feel alive. Those will be the moments to be remembered and cherished, when the spark goes out these things will carry on.
So perhaps its only fitting that I come back to write about the last days of mom's life, the finishing lines to her story. Its a hard time when the person you've been fighting for so hard takes a drastic turn for the worst. I actually cant fathom reliving those last few months in detail so this is the short version. Once the cancer had spread to the brain Mom was getting severe migraines more frequently, and we were at the ER more frequently. In April I had shoulder surgery and ending up going to Mom's to recoup and help her as well as myself. In May Mom was still doing fairly well, taking care of herself, cooking meals, going out to dinner, trying to mother me :-). She would constantly say to me, "Did you take your advil on time?; if not your shoulder will be killing you." I guess we never stop being mothers, even when we are the ones that need to be taken care of. One of mom's favorite things to do was to to fish and I think we were all thinking this might be our last Mothers Day, so we wanted to make it special for her. We rented a pontoon boat on a lake for the day and decorated it and surprised her with a beautiful Mothers Day fishing trip. We laughed, smiled, Mom ate shitloads of gummy fish (her favorite candy) and it turns out it was our last Mothers Day together. Shortly after that day everything changed, it started with more frequent headaches and nausea. At one point it was so bad I took her to the ER, and she never came home again. It was a fast decline and she passed in a hospice house on Fathers Day that June. When I think back to that time its heart wrenching, so much so that I don't like to see any pictures from that timeframe. My mom really held on in the end, longer than I wish she would have, watching the process slowly unfold can make you understand the right to die law in other states. If you're reading this and have any fears that your cancer cant be beat, or someone you love is currently fighting, know this: I have only one regret. Mom really wanted to see Alaska, I wish we had went for that trip when she was first diagnosed. I also wish I had taken more fun videos, as I really miss her voice.I'm writing this 6 years later and the pain is intense and I'm incredibly jealous of all my friends who still have Mom's. But I don't let this haunt me and I try to live for the moment knowing nothing is truly given and the world is still out there for me to explore. I worry less about things and spend more time having experiences. I can take my beautiful memories of adventures with me, I don't give a shit about my house, car, or possessions. I miss my Mom terribly but I don't linger there, she would want me to embrace my wild spirit and make new memories not linger in haunted yesterdays. We have today to live, to chase the dreams that inspire us and embrace the moments that make us feel alive. Those will be the moments to be remembered and cherished, when the spark goes out these things will carry on.
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