Life's Beauty, Life's Darkness

Time seems to move in super slow motion, minutes taking days to complete. How many times can I look at the time and wonder when it will be a time I actually want to see? Sitting at work, trying to work, I'm not successful at it, but I try. Mom still sits in the hospital, and I wish she could go home. It's such a sad place, not good for the soul. I was trying to think, where did I leave off and these random postings? It was the first wait, the test that we thought would answer all the questions, set things straight, put medicine in motion so to speak. Yeah, right...... things didn't work out that way. But I did call my mom, I usually call early in the morning because her cancer doctor comes in very early to see her. Mom answered the phone crying, not easy to hear, but I maintain a very calm demanor and asking her what's wrong. She tells me the doctor was in and he didn't have good news, which we all knew, but mom was clinging to false hopes. Who can blame her, even I

I can’t work! I’ve tried, but it never lasts more than 15 minutes before my mind is wandering back to my mom. Life feels so chaotic, so frustrating, so unfair, so fucked up. I guess I have to recap a little, actually a lot. What the hell, I can’t seem to focus on work anyway. Let’s go back 20 years…….. Mom is on her way to the hospital, severe stomach pain. That’s weird, I wonder what’s going on with her, at the time I’m 17 and living with her and my step dad. I’ll summarize the agony of those days quickly; Mom has non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. When they told us the news, I can only recall how numb I felt, how disconnected. My mom had cancer? It took me back to my mom’s best friend, earlier in life, Judy Magrin. I loved her; she was so damn nice and had a fire about her that drew people in. Anyway, Judy died of breast cancer, and I recall slightly blurred memories of the painful fight. It seemed like we lived at Judy’s house, my mom always trying to make Judy comfortable, while we kids p

I've never considered myself a blogger, yet lately I find the need to just write. This seems to be a good outlet for now.