The Wait

I can’t work! I’ve tried, but it never lasts more than 15 minutes before my mind is wandering back to my mom. Life feels so chaotic, so frustrating, so unfair, so fucked up. I guess I have to recap a little, actually a lot. What the hell, I can’t seem to focus on work anyway. Let’s go back 20 years…….. Mom is on her way to the hospital, severe stomach pain. That’s weird, I wonder what’s going on with her, at the time I’m 17 and living with her and my step dad. I’ll summarize the agony of those days quickly; Mom has non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. When they told us the news, I can only recall how numb I felt, how disconnected. My mom had cancer? It took me back to my mom’s best friend, earlier in life, Judy Magrin. I loved her; she was so damn nice and had a fire about her that drew people in. Anyway, Judy died of breast cancer, and I recall slightly blurred memories of the painful fight. It seemed like we lived at Judy’s house, my mom always trying to make Judy comfortable, while we kids played outside or went to the nearby park. I remember the really, more than anything else, Judy was suffering. It just seemed like I remembered her in her room, in her bed, so sick, and in pain, but it was like we weren’t really suppose to see her. It was sad, and the memorial after her funeral seemed so heavy. Her daughter, Jayne, who had a slight mental disability, seemed so lost, so alone. I guess the thing I remember most is how sad Jayne was, almost as if her spirit had left with her mom. It sucked, and I was very young, too young to know how to make Jayne feel better. But I imagine nobody could have made Jayne feel better in that moment.

So hearing my mom had cancer, it didn’t exactly bring me to a happy face. It’s the dreaded word, the death sentence, the disease that takes so many that are not ready to go and it was living in my mom’s body. Those were hard times, and I don’t really remember my sisters being around much, not sure why. I think we weren’t as close then as we have become now. What I do remember are a lot of late nights, of my mom having radiation treatments, going through chemo, being really sick, and being in a hospital bed looking like she would die with any given breath. I was the only one living with her then, and I do have some good memories amongst the bad: like when she decided she finally had a desire to eat and wanted a deli sandwich. Off we went to the deli, we get out of the car and walk towards the deli, but wait, where is mom? I turn around to see mom standing in the parking lot, her legs steaming, with a bizarre look on her face, she had just peed her pants. For whatever reason, the drugs, the chemo, she had no control over that moment, but man did we laugh about that one! To this day it brings a smile to my face, I know that’s strange, but cancer does strange things to you. We also became Nintendo junkies together. Bob hated when we played Nintendo and he was trying to watch tv, so we would always pretend like we were going to bed around 9:30-10, and shortly after Bob would go to bed. Mom and I would emerge out of our rooms shortly after and play Nintendo, sometimes for hours; forget the fact that I had school the next day. It was so much fun to play those games together, and sometimes while I was t school mom would beat some big boss and be so excited to tell me when I got home! But I’ll never forget the pain in mom’s eyes, the puking all the time, her never wanting to eat, and me feeling completely incapable. Mom beat the cancer, and we were all relieved after she made it to her 5 year remission point!

Fast forward roughly 18 years, mom has had a high white blood cell count for over a year if not more. They’ve finally diagnosed her with chronic leukemia, and the cancer word is back again. It’s not so difficult though, as the doctors have said it’s the manageable kind and she will probably live a normal life with medication. Seems hard to believe, but I’ll take the god news for what it’s worth. She certainly doesn’t seem sick, so maybe everything is ok.

Fast forward to a week ago, mom is having severe pain in her shoulder and goes to the ER. Actually her shoulder has been hurting her for 2 months now, but it’s become worse. She actually had hip replacement surgery about 2 months ago, and she though the shoulder pain was from using a walker. Anyway, they do an x-ray, and the ER calls the oncologist for a consult. There is a mass inside her humerus bone, and her humerus is fractured where the mass is coming out from inside the bone. The oncologist basically says she has bone cancer in her arm and it’s fractured her arm. I get the call and I’m so mad I can hardly think. So mad that my laptop goes flying across the room in the brief temper tantrum I have. My mom has been through a lot medically, more surgeries then I can remember, and enough pain to last 5 lifetimes. The world suddenly seems so fucked up and unfair, I want a meeting with god, because I’m ready to tell him to fuck off. At this point in my life I’m not even sure there is a god, but if there is, we are going to have problems when I die. Anger really is the first thing that grips me, why does my mom have to deal with this again? If people have to battle cancer, let them battle it once and be forever victorious! I hate the way people have to suffer in this world; it sits with me and bothers me when nobody even knows what I’m thinking. It’s why I have such a hard time with religion, I don’t believe suffering should be so wide spread, and often more extreme for some. Like losing a child, what god takes a child from their parent? I’ve seen that pain, and it’s hard for me to comprehend how those people can even go on with their own life. I feel for them, yet often have no clue what to say to make things better. As if anything could ever make that better, one of the worst pains I could ever imagine. So I got mad, I cried, I blasted the radio and tried to think of what to say to my mom, who I needed to call. I eventually made the call, and my mom was actually taking it very well. Better than me, I got off the phone and went to the store for a pack of cigarettes, even though I don’t smoke anymore.

That was on Tuesday I think, and the following Monday my mom called 911 because she was in severe pain, at least that is what 911 said. My sister calls me and tells me, and I throw on some clothes and make the 3 hour drive to where my mom lives. My sister had told me she wasn’t sure what was going on, but they thought mom had a stroke as she was very incoherent. Initially not remembering her name, calling 911, not knowing why she was in the hospital, etc. I’m freaked out, driving as fast as possible, and wondering if my mom will know me when I get there. I think we all had the same worry, but she knew us when we got there. Three of my four sisters showed up, I made it there last. I’m thankful that over the years and though my mom’s illnesses we have all become very close as a family. I visit with mom, who is in fairly good sprits; even if she can’t remember that I just came up Saturday to go get a pedicure with her. The doctors are doing a lot of test to determine what is going on with her brain, but nothing is showing up. The CT scan was normal with the exception of an enlarged live bile duct. They did the bone marrow biopsy Monday instead of Tuesday, and that went fine. They told us they would know the results and what type of cancer she has in 2 to 3 days. Today is Thursday, and I can’t think straight. My phone is next to me, and I’m waiting for it to ring, and yet dreading the call. I called the doctor yesterday because I couldn’t stand the pain of waiting, but of course the results weren’t in yet. She also had an EEG to monitor her brain waves yesterday, to make sure it wasn’t a stroke I think. No results from that yet either. Today they are doing a tube down her throat, I believe to check her stomach, as she has had a pain in her stomach since Monday. Waiting for all the results is killing me. I haven’t eaten much this week, I feel nauseous all the time, I can’t sleep because my brain wont shut down, and I’ve done more research on bone cancer than one person should probably ever do! I’ve read some horrible stories and some happy ones. Tried to dissect medical records and doctor reports, looked at x-rays, CT scans, lab reports, you name it, I’ve looked it up. But it all comes back to the same thing, sit tight and wait. We don’t really know what we’re up against until the results are in…….. so for now I attempt to work and wait.