Waiting, Processing, Numbing
Time seems to move in super slow motion, minutes taking days to complete. How many times can I look at the time and wonder when it will be a time I actually want to see? Sitting at work, trying to work, I'm not successful at it, but I try. Mom still sits in the hospital, and I wish she could go home. It's such a sad place, not good for the soul. I was trying to think, where did I leave off and these random postings? It was the first wait, the test that we thought would answer all the questions, set things straight, put medicine in motion so to speak. Yeah, right...... things didn't work out that way.
But I did call my mom, I usually call early in the morning because her cancer doctor comes in very early to see her. Mom answered the phone crying, not easy to hear, but I maintain a very calm demanor and asking her what's wrong. She tells me the doctor was in and he didn't have good news, which we all knew, but mom was clinging to false hopes. Who can blame her, even I would love a miracle here... Hello God? Are you there, it's me Holly! Yeah, the man upstairs doesn't hear, and I'm use to that. So she tells me that the test was positive on her shoulder, and she has Adenocarcinoma. The sad part is, that type is cancer is found usually in the fluid or tissue that surrounds your organs, not in the bone. What it means for mom is that it has spread from somewhere else in her body. The tumor in her arm is secondary, there is cancer somewhere else, festering. I swear in my mind it has this evil face, and it laughs while my mom suffers, and I want to just rip it out of her and beat the shit out of it. Cancer becomes something more than a disease, it's like a personal war against someone you love and you try so hard to figure out a way to fight it, all the time building up a hatred against it. Mom is so upset, saying she had hoped the shoulder problem had something to do with cortisone shots, that last bit of hope gone, trying to come to grips with having cancer again. I know she is scared, I know she is really worried about chemo, I know there is noting I can say to make it any better. But of course I try, telling her not to jump to conclusions and that she can fight this again, she's done it before. We talk for a while and I hang up when I feel she's somewhat comforted, which really she isn't, but maybe has gotten some comfort from talking about it.
I call my sister and break down, I couldn't do that with my mom, for her I need to put my best face forward, for her I will fight, but thankfully sisters allow each other to crumble, then pick them up and shake them off. I tell her the news and tell her to call my other sisters, I called my mom's husband so he could get to the hospital and be with my mom. I don't really manage to work that day, but I manage to read more information on the type of information than I really need. There is some hope at that point, it could be in her thyroid system, that would be the the most treatable! It's hopeful, even if the lungs and colon are the most common area for that type of cancer. I'm more of the practical, matter of fact, cut the bullshit type of person though, and I know the battle ahead is not going to be the easy one. I'm not sure, it's just a feeling, and I dread it.
We went to see mom the next day, another Saturday hanging out at the hospital. It's actually not bad, because everything is better when we are all together. Mom is in pretty good spirits. I forgot to mention, the day before they took her for a CT scan with the iodine dye. I'm not sure if it's a full body scan or just her chest and abdomen, but they need to find where the cancer is coming from. Of course there were no results while we were there, that would have been the best case scenario. So the weekend comes and goes with no news.
Monday morning I call mom, and again she is crying. I hate when my mom cries, i feel so damn helpless. This time it is because she went to radiology today to get marked for her first radiation treatment for her arm. Apparently for radiation you have to get the exact site measured and basically tattooed so the radiologist knows exactly where to zap you. The idiot radiologist told mom two things, one she had a tumor in her left lung, about 2 inches by 2 inches, and the second thing was that when she had her hip surgery 2 months prior, the did a biopsy of it. It came back positive for non-Hodgkin lymphoma. What the hell? Is he serious? I'm trying to remain calm, trying to tell mom not to jump to conclusions, after all, maybe he didn't know what the hell he was talking about, he was not the oncologist doctor. I'm trying to console her, while trying to maintain my own fear and anger at the same time. We hang up and I immediately call mom's oncologist office. They put a message in to her doctor and I will get a call back. I'm texting my sisters with what very little info. I have to give them while I'm on the phone. I seriously have to question the idiot that would divulge this type of information without knowing what the patient may or may not already know about their condition. Seriously, how stupid is that? So mom sits in her room trying to make sense of it, and probably thinking the worst. Probably thinking the same thoughts as me, except it's actually happening to her. It's awful! I do what i always do, I start researching lung cancer related to adenocarcinoma, and it's a pretty bleak picture. I'm emotionally unavailable, for anything, anyone, I just want to shut the world out. So selfish, but I'm not sure what the correct coping is going to be just yet. Hell, part of me wishes I could just go drink myself silly, but my stomach is so upset already I can't even imagine drinking right now. But something to make my brain quit thinking so much, something to just make it all stop. I don't know what to do for mom, i don't know how to make it better, to somehow find some form of hope, a ray of light, I just don't have it, and that sucks. Whatever issues I've had with my mom, this sorta puts them into perspective, because no matter what, nobody wants to see their parents hurt and suffering. But I don't think there will be much I can do during this battle but be there I guess. I called the oncologist again that afternoon and was told the doctor said he does not have the full report, but will probably be going over it with my mom tomorrow. Which is today, and so I wait. I actually don't want to call today. Today I don't want to hear my mom cry. So I wait, and soon I will suck it up and call mom.
But I did call my mom, I usually call early in the morning because her cancer doctor comes in very early to see her. Mom answered the phone crying, not easy to hear, but I maintain a very calm demanor and asking her what's wrong. She tells me the doctor was in and he didn't have good news, which we all knew, but mom was clinging to false hopes. Who can blame her, even I would love a miracle here... Hello God? Are you there, it's me Holly! Yeah, the man upstairs doesn't hear, and I'm use to that. So she tells me that the test was positive on her shoulder, and she has Adenocarcinoma. The sad part is, that type is cancer is found usually in the fluid or tissue that surrounds your organs, not in the bone. What it means for mom is that it has spread from somewhere else in her body. The tumor in her arm is secondary, there is cancer somewhere else, festering. I swear in my mind it has this evil face, and it laughs while my mom suffers, and I want to just rip it out of her and beat the shit out of it. Cancer becomes something more than a disease, it's like a personal war against someone you love and you try so hard to figure out a way to fight it, all the time building up a hatred against it. Mom is so upset, saying she had hoped the shoulder problem had something to do with cortisone shots, that last bit of hope gone, trying to come to grips with having cancer again. I know she is scared, I know she is really worried about chemo, I know there is noting I can say to make it any better. But of course I try, telling her not to jump to conclusions and that she can fight this again, she's done it before. We talk for a while and I hang up when I feel she's somewhat comforted, which really she isn't, but maybe has gotten some comfort from talking about it.
I call my sister and break down, I couldn't do that with my mom, for her I need to put my best face forward, for her I will fight, but thankfully sisters allow each other to crumble, then pick them up and shake them off. I tell her the news and tell her to call my other sisters, I called my mom's husband so he could get to the hospital and be with my mom. I don't really manage to work that day, but I manage to read more information on the type of information than I really need. There is some hope at that point, it could be in her thyroid system, that would be the the most treatable! It's hopeful, even if the lungs and colon are the most common area for that type of cancer. I'm more of the practical, matter of fact, cut the bullshit type of person though, and I know the battle ahead is not going to be the easy one. I'm not sure, it's just a feeling, and I dread it.
We went to see mom the next day, another Saturday hanging out at the hospital. It's actually not bad, because everything is better when we are all together. Mom is in pretty good spirits. I forgot to mention, the day before they took her for a CT scan with the iodine dye. I'm not sure if it's a full body scan or just her chest and abdomen, but they need to find where the cancer is coming from. Of course there were no results while we were there, that would have been the best case scenario. So the weekend comes and goes with no news.
Monday morning I call mom, and again she is crying. I hate when my mom cries, i feel so damn helpless. This time it is because she went to radiology today to get marked for her first radiation treatment for her arm. Apparently for radiation you have to get the exact site measured and basically tattooed so the radiologist knows exactly where to zap you. The idiot radiologist told mom two things, one she had a tumor in her left lung, about 2 inches by 2 inches, and the second thing was that when she had her hip surgery 2 months prior, the did a biopsy of it. It came back positive for non-Hodgkin lymphoma. What the hell? Is he serious? I'm trying to remain calm, trying to tell mom not to jump to conclusions, after all, maybe he didn't know what the hell he was talking about, he was not the oncologist doctor. I'm trying to console her, while trying to maintain my own fear and anger at the same time. We hang up and I immediately call mom's oncologist office. They put a message in to her doctor and I will get a call back. I'm texting my sisters with what very little info. I have to give them while I'm on the phone. I seriously have to question the idiot that would divulge this type of information without knowing what the patient may or may not already know about their condition. Seriously, how stupid is that? So mom sits in her room trying to make sense of it, and probably thinking the worst. Probably thinking the same thoughts as me, except it's actually happening to her. It's awful! I do what i always do, I start researching lung cancer related to adenocarcinoma, and it's a pretty bleak picture. I'm emotionally unavailable, for anything, anyone, I just want to shut the world out. So selfish, but I'm not sure what the correct coping is going to be just yet. Hell, part of me wishes I could just go drink myself silly, but my stomach is so upset already I can't even imagine drinking right now. But something to make my brain quit thinking so much, something to just make it all stop. I don't know what to do for mom, i don't know how to make it better, to somehow find some form of hope, a ray of light, I just don't have it, and that sucks. Whatever issues I've had with my mom, this sorta puts them into perspective, because no matter what, nobody wants to see their parents hurt and suffering. But I don't think there will be much I can do during this battle but be there I guess. I called the oncologist again that afternoon and was told the doctor said he does not have the full report, but will probably be going over it with my mom tomorrow. Which is today, and so I wait. I actually don't want to call today. Today I don't want to hear my mom cry. So I wait, and soon I will suck it up and call mom.
Ohmygawd I think you just wrote everything I've ever felt with/about my mom's battle.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks, doesn't it? It overshadows everything you do, and always sits in the back of your mind. I hope you have a ll the strength and support you need. But mostly I hope your Mom can kick some cancer ass!
ReplyDelete